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It is possible, I think. Sex is healthy and normal. Not wanting sex at all is not. Within the first few dates he made it clear that sexual desire is something that does not come naturally, but we feel deeply in love and one of the first compromises we made was to have an open relationship. And then he wants to know how my night was, and is delighted to see me so happy and fulfilled.

Communication and mutual respect I think is the key. I want there to be a better solution than just breaking up. I want there to be a fix that allows us to stay together and for things to get better i. Does anyone have advice or a counter story to this that is a bit more hopeful? Maybe massages or certain kinds of touching is what you need instead of sex. Seriously, just talk it out. Like, I would much rather have sex less often if it means that my gf is super into it every time we do have sex, instead of it becoming a chore for her.

It does not have to be a problem. Love has three dimensions, intimacy, commitment and passion. Their girlfriend is not entitled to sex with them. I feel like this question was asked by my girlfriend. But we have only been together two years. My girlfriend and I have talked about sex, or sometimes lack thereof, and I even suggested to her once that she might be happier with someone who enjoyed sex more. I can definitely exist day to day, month to month, without sex but for my girlfriend it is a completely different story.

Am I holding her back from being truly happy? Thanks for making me question my relationships and whatnot AS.. Thanks for responding, and thanks for writing the article. Thanks for all of the discussion in this thread. Like always, Autostraddle is broadening my horizons, and my knowledge of all things diverse, queer, and otherwise.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, anything that suggests or implies that sex is a requirement for love is about as triggering as it gets. It got me thinking about my last long term 12 yrs relationship. We had been in counseling as well. I had begun to really believe our problems were only because I wanted sex more than she did.

We had adopted 2 girls from China by then, and I felt like all the rules had changed. I was struggling after 9 months with someone who was kind of asexual. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and clams. Mixed aquatic metaphors ftw! I barely lasted 4 months with the chic I dated who, in that whole time, only had sex with me one time. And sadly, diminishing sexual activity does happen in many relationships. If the love and commitment is there, perhaps this is a way for her to get her needs met.

I was in her shoes once 12 years together , it was awful. My self esteem suffered terribly. Whatever happens, I hope she can find the right path forward. When the libido gap is this extreme, it can leave one person feeling traumatized by unwanted sex and one person miserable with low self-esteem and rejection. And like it too. So, I see a lot of comments here from asexual people.


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I have a pretty painful story to share. We were both atheists, both bookish nerds, but childfree. Now, I know that it must be difficult to tell someone something like that, but, on the other side of that, it is best to be honest. There were many reasons that this relationship was never going to work out, but that was the real kicker. I am not a person who can be happy or fulfilled in a sexless relationship. If I am completely truthful, that relationship did a huge number on my self esteem, because the constant rejection without any apparent reason prior to her finally summoning the courage to tell me made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was unattractive or undesirable.

The reality is that similar libidos or lack thereof are important in a relationship to many people. Everyone, regardless of level of libido, should be up front about it. Understand that there is a lot of bull shit that asexual people endure and it makes a lot of us afraid to talk about it because of these attitudes.

Before my transition I had a far higher sex drive than my wife. Once on HRT that changed and I had none. However, I think something that asexual people have to understand is that when that information is withheld and the allosexual partner is continuously rejected, it destroys self esteem and really just causes a lot of problems. It blows that so many insensitive, ignorant people have made it so that people are hesitant to disclose asexuality.

I state my wants and needs. The one relationship I was in with an ace person, she just refused to talk about it, period. You can be defensive until the cows come home, but I will not apologize for wanting my needs met in a relationship. Said needs are not unusual or unreasonable. Most people think that sex is a part of an intimate partner relationship.

If someone needs a relationship that does not include sex, she needs to say so, end of story. My ex went through a phase — quite long, appr. It was rough — but the odd thing was that it passed, and things returned to how they had been before. It had nothing to do with the relationship, maybe some issues of their own, but even they did not understand it.

The relationship ended for other reasons later. Just wanted to share the experience that things can change also. That being said, I really really really think talking about it with her first would be a good idea! If you can get an idea of her boundaries and she can get an idea of yours, maybe you can work something out — I posted a comment up there somewhere in reply to Lyssa about what my ex and I did if that might help. Basically, my advice though as an ace person I am kinda biased on this I guess would be to treat it like any other issue that people compromise on in relationships.

But talk about it first. I think we need to break up. Hence, my question above. That is something you need to remember anytime this subject comes up. Asexuality is a valid orientation and you deserve to be loved. However, to allosexual people, sex is a fundamental human need. That is the harsh truth.

The very idea of being in a romantic relationship where I am expected to give up sex is absurd and unacceptable to me. In my experience, that is true of most allosexual people. I understand that this is a harsh truth for asexual people, but it is a truth nonetheless. I do have healthy expectations.

Sex is a healthy expectation in a relationship, as the OP says. There is nothing abnormal about expecting sex in an intimate partner relationship. Sorry, but for many it is.


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  7. That is what is healthy for us. If no sex is healthy for you, great. Stop being so nasty to people who like sex. Not every relationship is meant to be. To all the ace commenters: I asked my partner, on a couple occasions, if she thought she might be asexual, and she was never able to answer that question. But I think we need to be honest that fundamental differences in sexual desire do cause problems and we all need to be able to talk about them.

    A non-open relationship does not work between an ace and an allosexual. I have to agree with this. I think that your comments come from not fully understanding asexuality. Asexuality is a spectrum that includes many different identities, while it is true that some asexuals are repulsed by sex it is not a universal trait of asexuality. Some reasons asexuals identify as asexual are: I think it may be helpful for you to keep in mind that no two people are ever perfectly compatible with each other, even if they are both allo, both het or gay, or even both ace, in many areas although that should be obvious , including sexually.

    No two people have exactly the same libido, or specific sexual desires for example one lesbian in a relationship may only be able to get off on clit stimulation and may be repulsed by penetrative sex, while her partner prefers penetrative sex, even though their sexual orientations match up they have different sexual needs. On the topic of libido there are so many factors that influence libido, including just base level, as well as environmental factors, such as trying times at work or medications that someone may need to take.

    I may be misreading you, but from what I understand if you have been in a relationship with a woman for years and she starts taking a medication that causes her to have lower or no sex drive you would terminate the relationship on the assumption that she could no longer satisfy your needs, which in turn makes me wonder if you have the capability of emotionally satisfying your partners, given that you have a list of uncompromisable deal breakers.

    You display quite formidably your lack of understanding of human individuality in your eagerness to apply umbrella terms to people and not attempt to understand the terms you are so liberally using. Of course I realize that nothing is perfect and no two people are compatible. Also, I am pretty comfortable being single and playing the field, so I am less likely to lower my standards than, say, someone who is on the hunt for a life partner.

    In short, yes, I understand individuality, and that sexuality is a spectrum. It is not helpful, and, in this case, completely inaccurate. Sorry again about the assumptions. Thank you so much for the apology. I also appreciate that I hurriedly typed that out in a bit of a tizzy and hit submit without thinking, so I apologize as well.

    I also abhor acephobia, or prejudice of any kind. However, I think, due to the fact that differing libidos in relationships do cause problems, this is a very complicated issue.

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    A very sexual person dating an asexual person, or any person who has a low sex drive, is impractical. It really depends on the individuals involved. Also, I used to be that chic who gave anyone who liked me a chance. As a result of having no definitive standards, I found myself in some pretty disastrous relationships. This thread has been interesting because of the sheer number of issues being talked about. Yeah, can we not have posts like this? That compare ace-allo relationships to the most disgusting fucking mold you can think of?

    Was that also wrong? Not being with someone who does not meet your needs is bad for everyone involved. Personally, as a very sexual allosexual person, asexuality is a dealbreaker like all of my other dealbreakers. I know what I want and need in relationships. That is a very healthy thing.

    Sexual mismatch with no acknowledgement and adjustments is legit grounds for breakup, on either side — i am not singling out asexual folks. While for me almost no dealbreakers are absolute — but they ALL require acknowledgement and real, tangible, non-talk workarounds — and still have a chance of failing. So not acting on a dealbreaker never should be a rule, always an exception.

    Replying to the bottom comment up here because there is no reply button on that comment. Thank you so much. But fundies and holy rollers? I have a very painful past with that, and it is almost traumatizing for me. Is she ok with you using the vibrator on her? Or other types of sexual touching while she uses it on herself? However, the second half of your comment worries me more.

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    Incorporating vibrators in partner play is great! I agree with the overall opinion that sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship and that it appears to be absent here, but the framing of it was kind of harsh toward asexuality. So for some people, a fulfilling sex life means a lot of sex… for others, it means a little sex… for still others, it means no sex. As Riese has repeated in comments, this is a question about a specific relationship that has been going on for more than a decade, where both parties have communicated and even took action like counseling to reach a more mutual compromise.

    We may be invisible, but we are not unlovable. It would clarify some questions people have, show multiple perspectives of people who fall on multiple places on the spectrum, and it could increase visibility. Ever since my girlfriend got her SRS over a year ago, she has defined herself as asexual because her sex drive, which was never that high to begin with, practically nonexistent now.

    I dont have a problem with it because I dont assume that her lack of sex drive has anything to do with me. This keeps me from driving myself crazy and keeping added pressure off my gf. And my gf is already struggling with a lot of internal pressure to have sex more so added pressure would only make things worse. I have a vibrator and if I wanted to I could find an additional partner to have sexual relations with, so Im good.

    Having a pressure free bedroom really is key to getting her comfortable enough to engage in any kinds of sexy times. She is usually nervous at the start, so we cuddle and I comfort her by repeating telling her how that there is no pressure for her to do anything, she can stop whenever she feels like, etc. I regard it slightly higher than any other basic need compatibility, which is still pretty darn low. To me its like dumping your partner over them not liking Indian food or because they wont let you go into the bathroom while they are pooping.

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    That is not to say that anyone else should not dump their partners over sex, but I personally just cannot begin to give any amount of fucks over it. It can definitely happen. Except I can go to an Indian restaurant on my lunch break without worrying about betraying my partner.

    Still can, by yourself. Masturbation still exists, shocking, i know. This is not really fair though because masturbation and partner sex are totally, totally, totally different ballgames. I personally think that yes I would be ok with just masturbation if everything else in the relationship was fulfilling enough but I completely get why that might not be the case for other people who need that strong sexual connection with another person to feel fulfilled. I feel like there should be a You Need Help about teaching people to not take being turned down for sex as a personal insult, jesus.

    I sure understand being insecure and feeling inadequate, but turning around and blaming that on a partner for saying no is fucked up. Intellectually, I know this was not the intention and I understand this is advice to a specific couple whose actual problem might be communication more than the sex drive part? Essentially, I just signed up to say: I love this exchange of comments. Thanks to all of you! I hope all of you find happiness with a woman who loves you just the way you are! I think people are losing the message of this answer. Yes, sometimes people have mismatched libidos, and yes, sometimes this can be due to one of the partners being asexual…etc.

    Yes, you can still love them, and probably always will, but that does not make you a good match. You have to be honest with yourself, and your partner regarding how you really feel about that other person and what needs you must have fulfilled to be able to stay in the relationship.

    I guess my point is, communicate, be honest with yourself and your partner, and whatever your libido is, you can make it work if the other person is on the same page. I really like this comment. I feel like we got off track, though I am glad that the asexuality conversation happened. I think people should realize that Autostraddle is not anti ANY orientation.

    For many people it is a dealbreaker and it does mean the end. If those-or any other- needs are not being met, then, if a solution cannot be found, it is best to end it. Anybody who wants a relationship that actually lasts, someone to grow old with etc. Desire wanes and if you want to keep it alive you might have to actually work at it. Sorry if this sounds like I am taking my frustration out on your comment but I have just had my heart put through the meat grinder by someone I thought I was going to be with forever.

    While this is true, there is a limit, you know? Like, relationships are work. But I think there are a hell of a lot more idealistic messages out there about relationships than realistic ones and as someone who would rather find steady long-term happiness than chase after fireworks all the time I find this frustrating.

    You and I are on the same page there! This is hugely important to me as well. Fascinating and thoughtful discussion! Or maybe I just want to see more discussions about polyamory and its ilk on this site! As always, thanks for being super smart, everybody. So much fun to read and learn from this community! I like the diversity of ideas and honesty. I personally feel like given the amount of effort that the writer put into making the relationship work- doing counseling and talking about open relationships with her partner, it could come off as critical to raise the issue again like she should have tried harder or make the writer feel unheard.

    I am one of those people who needs a lot of sex in my relationship. I am very, very, very actively sexual, and that does play a huge role in determining my attractions and my happiness. I have never been romantically attracted to someone who I was not first sexually attracted to. For me, sex is a fundamental part of a relationship, and something that I need to be happy. Not desiring to date someone is not the same as being prejudiced against them.

    Demisexuals absolutely should have the right to wait until they are comfortable with a partner to have sex. Every person is different and has the right to decide what kind of relationship they want and what needs they need met—you do you. I am in a relationship with a libido gap. Nana is fifteen when she travels from her village in the Eastern Cape to the city. She is overjoyed to be reunited with her family, even if they are living in a tiny shack. But she struggles to fit in at her new school, and she is shocked at the violence shown to Chino and Agnes, her Zimbabwean neighbors.

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    This twisted tale filled with surprises and consequences will have you on the edge of your seat until the very end. Ebyan Jama has always led a life of clarity. She knows who she is and is committed to her Islamic faith. She has one passion in life. Gifted with a beautiful voice, she can make it big in the music industry. When she is offered the opportunity to sign with a major record label on condition she takes off her hijab, Ebyan walks away. With her dream crushed and her best friend Tiffany by her side, she heads off to UC Berkeley.

    It is during her freshmen year at Berkeley that she meets Noreen, a sophomore and an aspiring filmmaker. The unexpected, but electric attraction Ebyan develops for Noreen makes her question everything she thought she knew about herself. As Ebyan and Noreen get to know each other, a deep love blossoms between them.

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    Meeting Her by Lee Loveless Romance. Is it possible to fall in love in the rebound? That is the question that Jordan asked herself as she begins to have strong feelings for the famous choreographer Vivian Taylor. A chance meeting put these two women together and created a connection hard to ignore.

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    This is an incredibly difficult area to research as many African leaders declare it taboo on the basis that these practices are alien to African culture and an import from the depraved west. The book demonstrates that there are silenced, traditional, institutionalized ways in which African women contracted same-sex relations. Second, it proclaims the right of African women engaged in same-sex practices or relations to their identities as Africans, as several interviewees state: Who can say we are un-African?

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    Sodom and Gomorrah is Washington, D. Beyond the music, bottles, flyers, cages, and V. P sections, are the workers who keep the party going on and off the dance floor. Find out what happens once the last records are spun, and the drama follows them home. Sex, betrayal, lies, lust, and love, is never too far behind once these sexy employees clock out.

    Enter Gomorrah, and sit on the throne with the TurnOut queens. Stud 4 Stud, Romance Pages: Angel and Ace are best friends who happen to both be studs. She is tired of the traditions and rules that make her feelings taboo and decides to risk everything. Two studs in lust? Where they do that at? Fast forward to , and T. It broke me in several places. This is where shit gets real. The lengths she goes through to tell Ace how she feels are real and moving and hard to read at times, but the affection they have for each other is hard-fought and raw.

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    I hope this book will help our community let go of the rigid stereotypes we place on each other and ourselves. Ariez is a Texas native currently living in Dallas. He has been writing since the second grade but only started exploring writing for an audience a few years after graduating high school.

    He enjoys reading in his spare time, playing board games with his family and watching football. Easter has, to me, always been a time of new beginnings or a reinvigoration of life. On that note, I count year as a time of renewed passion for reviewing at Sistahs on the Shelf after its dormancy in Last year I was in love with reading but not necessarily reviewing, and I have to admit, it felt good to just pick up a book and not think about how to craft my thoughts into a review post.

    To be honest, I was just burnt out. This newest book, recently published on March 15, is about activism and romance, and whether the two can co-exist. Without seeing it, she could smell it, the vanilla musk whispering from the fold; she could feel it, the heavy cardstock soft against her fingertips as she traced the gold script. She struggled to her feet, the memory of Michelle, of being in love, weighing her down. Though Michelle had been gone just over six months, Kiana ached as if she had just left, as if she just realized that her love was gone for good.

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    Mystery, Romance, Crime Pages: Last year, I was really into cozy mysteries. McKnight , a story set in a predominantly black community in Virginia. Shy around each other at first, the professionals slowly cultivate a relationship with lunches and long conversations. To tell the truth, the entirety of Goslyn County is grown-folk relating to each other. The richness of the town and the characters are what really drew me in. Every chapter is a revolving look into why people do what they do, including the criminals themselves. We get to know why Ollie and Maureen are hesitant about love, and why Ollie should really watch her back when it comes to her job.

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    Books-A-Million, with their dedicated AA division, is just beautiful to look at.

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    All these wonderful books at my reach, all about our people. But there is another side, the one that questions why there is a separate AA section at all. Something else to think about: How do you want your books to be shelved? I found the summary to be interesting, and after reading a smidgen, it seems to humanize the tragedy while incorporating members of all ages, genders and sexual orientations. Sinclair watched her sink sharp teeth into the chicken bone, heard it snap, then the soft grunt of satisfaction.

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    She quickly learns that public school means screaming teachers, popularity polls, and fashion wars. Lyric is nervous about being the lone new kid until she befriends a nerdy hipster that goes by her last name, Blake. The inseparable duo want to mix up the social atmosphere at Alcorn, but their efforts spark a bitter rivalry with the Jacks and Jennies. The school year takes a new twist when Lyric and Blake are struck with puppy love and secret admirer messages.

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    Unique is an avid lover of the arts and the Harlem Renaissance era, this love is what fueled her desire to write poetry. Writing was something that she only did for herself as a release from the pressures of everyday life she never shared her writings with others. But encouragement from her family and friends she started to share some of her writings online. After seeing the lack of positive representation amongst African American lesbians, in the literary world Unique started brainstorming writing a book. Sindu Get At Me — K.

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